Mischief Making for Dummies
by MeganQueenOfScots
Summary: When it became clear that he would graduate after all, Sirius Black set about writing a handbook for future troublemakers....a legacy of sorts. And you are one click away from reading it.


**Introduction**

Allow me to make a few assumptions about you. Firstly, I assume that you are not a goody-two-shoes, considering that I hid this handbook in one of the secret passages out of the school. This is good, because it means that you will see this as the wonderful gift that it is, not contraband that needs to be turned in to a teacher immediately.

Secondly, I assume that you are not in first year. If you are, congratulations. I myself didn't find this passage until midway through second year.

Thirdly, I assume that you are not a Slytherin. This I know for a fact is true, because I put a spell on this book so that it doesn't open for Slytherins or teachers. That's just how tricky I am.

Now that I know you, I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Sirius Black. I am currently in my seventh year, although by the time you're reading this, I'll be gone. Unless by some fluke you are a first year, you'll know that I am a Marauder; or, a master of the art of pranking, jokes, and general mayhem.

One day, while turning Snivellus's underwear pink, a thought struck me before I had time to block it out and carry on in blissful brainlessness. This thought was: What will Hogwarts come to when we're gone?

Naturally, I was disturbed to think that peace may have a chance of reigning at the old school next year (this year, for you), so I came up with a solution. The book you hold in your hands now is the one-and-only, official, Marauder-approved handbook to all things unlawful. And you'd better put it to good use.

**I- A Brief List of Unwritten, Highly Breakable Hogwarts Rules **

In general, it's most profitable to think of rules as "guidelines." (Except for the one about not putting your wand in your back pocket—not only is there absolutely nothing to be gained by breaking it, but you run the risk of losing one or both buttocks, which I've heard is not pleasant.)

Here is a list of some rules that you will not find among school records, and which can most definitely be broken to one's best advantage.

1. Library books do not make good kindling.  
2. Broom closets are for brooms only, no matter how convenient they are.  
3. We do not get the day off for Kwanzaa, Passover, Peanut Butter Awareness Day, Albanian Independence Day, etc.  
4. If it involves whipped cream, an unwary first year, and a squirrel, you are not allowed to do it.  
5. Sugar Quills are not "brain food."  
6. You are not allowed to ask the Muggle Studies teacher if she has a college education.  
7. Hogwarts is not a cult, and we are not being brainwashed.  
8. You are not allowed to hit on Professor McGonagall.  
9. Nobody is allergic to parchment.  
10. You are not allowed to start an organization that campaigns for house elves' rights, especially if the initials of the name of aforementioned organization spell out a word relating to one of the more repulsive bodily functions.

There you are, Hogwarts in a nutshell. I could've gone on for longer, but I said it'd be a brief list. Take it as a mark of my charitable personality that I didn't actually lie to you. This time.

**II- A Guide to Classes and their Teachers, but Mostly the Teachers, Because They're More Fun**

Unless you are the improbable first year, you're probably saying to yourself, "I don't need this! I already know everything I need to know about the teachers and classes!"

That's where you're wrong. For example, did you know that Professor Flitwick was once a Seeker for the Caerphilly Catapults? I didn't think so. So shut up, smart-ass, and read. You might accidentally learn something.

Professor McGonagall

I know you're all dying to hear some dirt on the big cheese, so I'll just start with her.

Fact One: She dated You-Know-Who when they were in school.

_Did you actually fall for that?! Merlin, you're pathetic. I'll give you two good reasons why that is ridiculous, insane, and….I can't say what I was going to say next because it wouldn't be politically or morally correct. (But it wasn't "plausible." Just so you know.) One—Does she really look that old? I mean, I know we gave her some grey hairs (okay, a whole head full of 'em), but he's a geezer compared to her! Two—Even Minnie's not that desperate. I know this because she turned ME down. Now that's willpower! _

Fact Two (this one's actually a fact): She failed her Transfiguration O.W.L. the first time and had to retake the class over the summer.

_Yeah, crazy, I know. I didn't believe it at first, either. Well, actually I did, but I wouldn't have if she wasn't under the influence of Veritaserum at the time._

Fact Three: At the end of every term, she goes to the Three Broomsticks with Professor Dumbledore and they get wasted together.

_No, I did not make this up. I saw them at it. Don't ask me the details; I Obliviated myself of them shortly after repairing my melted eyeballs._

A note about Transfiguration: It's virtually impossible to sleep, pass notes, or be generally inattentive. Minnie's got the eyes of a hawk, senses of a shark, and PMS of a woman.

Professor Flitwick

Before you ask, the Seeker thing is real. We were doing Cheering Charms one day, and someone hit him by mistake and he started telling us all these great stories about his youth (you know, the days when they walked to school; rain, sleet, snow, shine, or frogs, uphill both ways…) .

Fact One (two, technically, but who's counting?): Rita Skeeter, that charming young lady, once said that there's more cotton in his brain than in the entire country of Egypt.

_This is one thing that I'm going to have to go with her on. If you've ever spoken to the bloke, you'll know what I mean._

Fact Two: He once stole Slughorn's crystallized pineapple. Slughorn never found out who did it.

_I saw it on his desk after ol' Sluggy was putting up notices for it. Yes, that's right—he put up notices for pineapple. Sometimes I wonder about him…_

Fact Three: He can't sleep without a bedtime story, a glass of milk, and having been tucked in.

_This was another thing he told our class under the influence of the strangely powerful Cheering Charm. A word to the wise: you might want to accidentally-on-purpose perform this charm on anyone you want some blackmail material for. It works splendidly, and you can't even get docked points for it. _  
A note about Charms: As long as you eventually attempt the spell, he doesn't really care whether or not you spend the rest of the class doing other homework, catching up on sleep, and talking. This is one of the few classes in which this is the case.

Professor Slughorn

Everyone's favorite: the little Potions professor short and stout! Let's see what secrets he has to pour out…

I fully acknowledge that that was extremely lame. I would have you punch me if this wasn't written in a book.

Fact One: When he made his Felix Felicis, he brewed it wrong and it has the effects of a rare illegal drug.

_Of course, when I heard this I just had to nick some and find out. Let me tell you, it's no wonder he had "two perfect days." He was too stoned to remember the bad bits._

Fact Two: He once Transfigured his girlfriend into crystallized pineapple and ate her.

_And we wondered why he's still single._

A note about Potions: Don't screw up. Sluggy sometimes makes you taste your potion to see if it worked, and there's only a slight difference between a Shrinking Solution and a Stinking Solution. Just remember, close only counts in Divination and Dungbombs.

Professor Hynemann

At the rate we've been going through DADA teachers, this might not apply to you anymore, and not at all to the hypothetical first year. But since she's all I have to work with now, I'll write some secrets about her. There's not as many though, sorry, but she hasn't been here as long as everyone else.

Fact One: The reason she wears bunny slippers all the time is not, as she likes to pretend, because they were permanently stuck to her feet by a Death Eater who snuck up on her in the middle of the night. It is because she feels "safer" with them on.

_How pathetic is that? She's supposed to be teaching us how to defend ourselves, and she resorts to fuzzy slippers for protection? Why do I not feel so good about my education…? _  
Fact Two: She also stole some of Slughorn's crystallized pineapple, and also was not caught.

_There seems to be a bit of a trend with going on with the pineapple, doesn't there? I might have to get some myself, because apparently it's delicious. _  
A note about Defense Against the Dark Arts: Hynemann is one of those teachers that thinks she's hilarious. If you laugh at her "a warlock, banshee, and dragon all walked into a bar" joke, you will permanently ruin your reputation. Even if you're just trying to be nice.

Professor Binns

I have nothing for this bloke. He is boring as _hell_.

That's pretty much all of the major subjects. Since my attention span is slightly less than that of a maggot, I won't go into the electives. Besides, the sections get better as they go along.

**III- April Fool's Day**

Finally, right? The thing you've all been waiting for? Well, if it wasn't, it should've been. April Fool's Day is practically my holiday—okay, all the Marauders' holiday—and the mere fact that I am giving you advice should knock your figurative socks off. So, without further ado, the main part of the section! [Applause cue….]

First Stage—Plot

A good time to perform this stage is during History of Magic; you might have to forego your nap, but it's worth it, trust me. Simply relax, and let your mind (if you still have one) drift into the obscure, creative thoughts that form the basis of a good prank.

Since this is a handbook, I feel compelled to give you a cheesy example of each stage.

So, let's say there's this bloke named Johnny Jester. Johnny decides he needs an idea for a prank. He sits down and thinks hard for two hours, missing Quidditch practice and a date with his girlfriend in the process. Johnny Jester's girlfriend later breaks up with him because of this, but that's not the point.

After his two hours of thinking, Johnny Jester gets an idea. He will cover the Slytherins' robes with flowers that can't be removed unless they say "I love you" to a non-Slytherin, and mean it.

Second Stage—"The Impractical Joke"

After developing your plan, you may feel the urge to share it with someone. Do your best to suppress this urge. However, if you find that you need to tell someone, do not ask their opinion. They will invariably be critical of it, and claim that it will never work. Do not attempt to explain to them that the most unlikely plots have a tendency to succeed where the likely ones fail. They will not understand. Do not let their cynicism deter you. They are probably just jealous of your skills and creativity.

Johnny Jester, unlike you, does not have this handy-dandy instruction book. He tells his friend, Danny Doubter, about his plan to bedeck the Slytherins' robes with flowers. (For the sake of interest, Danny Doubter is now dating Johnny Jester's ex-girlfriend.) Danny Doubter expresses some problems he finds in Johnny's plan. Johnny Jester is not the type of person that takes criticism well. He hexes Danny Doubter, and Danny Doubter spends the rest of the week in the Hospital Wing.

What Johnny Jester did to his friend Danny is perfectly acceptable, although I would suggest that you wipe their memory just enough that your victim doesn't remember who hexed him. Now it is time for the fun to begin.

Third Stage—Prepare

This is one of the most vital stages in the prank, though not as gratifying as the actual pulling of it. If you mess this stage up, you're screwed. In this stage, you investigate anything that you need to make your plan work, and also anything that would possibly make it fail. You also need to set up anything that needs special preparation. Once this step is complete, you are ready to put your plan into action.

After serving double detention for hexing Danny Doubter, Johnny Jester does some research. He finds out that six Slytherins are allergic to flowers, and since he wants this to be a purely harmless prank, he decides to turn their robes Gryffindor colors, and give them large sandwich boards that say "Go Gryffindor!" instead.

Next, Johnny Jester takes some books out of the library that have the spells he wants. Of course, he doesn't read the books in the library, because that would make people laugh at him, and one thing necessary for a prankster is an excessively high self-esteem. He learns the spells, and practices them on his roommate, Gary Gullible. Johnny Jester is now ready to pull his prank.

Fourth Stage—Implementation

This stage is the one that gets all the glory, although it's relatively easy. You perform the spell, and watch your hours of labor come to fruitfulness. Let's skip to the example, shall we?

Johnny Jester acts on his plot the morning of April Fool's Day, at breakfast. So, when he sees that all the Slytherins are present and accounted for, he casts the spell he looked up on them. The results are just as he planned so long ago on that day when he lost his seventh girlfriend of the year. The Slytherins were shocked to find themselves covered in flora and fauna, and even more shocked when Johnny Jester used a fake voice from his wand to tell them, loudly, what they had to do to remove them.

Johnny Jester found himself with a Slytherin girlfriend before the meal was over, who he dumped between Potions and DADA. Everything had been perfect.

Fifth Stage—Blame

The way you do this stage depends on your sense of integrity, or lack thereof. There are two choices: you can either take the blame and the glory for yourself, or you can assign blame to an unpopular classmate. The assignment of blame tends to backfire, though, because people believe your genius belongs to that person, and they suddenly find themselves popular. Now back to our friend Johnny.

Johnny Jester's teacher asks Johnny if he made the Slytherins' robes go flowery. Johnny Jester brags that he did, making sure everyone can hear him. Johnny gets a week of detention and is beaten up by a Slytherin seventh year, but he becomes very popular. He also gets a new girlfriend—a Gryffindor this time. Johnny Jester lives happily ever after.

It's not that hard, see? But if you're so unimaginative that you can't even start your own thought process, here's some ideas.

1. Write anonymous love letters to a teacher of your choice….in another teacher's handwriting.  
2. Switch the labels of the boys' and girls' toilets.  
3. Find out the Slytherins' password and redecorate their common room in varying shades of pink. Extra points for glitter.  
4. Perform the Bad Hair Day Curse on all your enemies (i.e.- all the Slytherins). Unless they are like James Potter, in which case such a curse would go generally unnoticed.  
5. Bewitch a large army of chickens to invade the castle and peck the teachers until they agree never to eat chicken again. Enforce this promise at every opportunity.

If that doesn't give you an inkling of an idea, you may as well put this book down now, because nothing can possibly help you if I can't. Remember that when you get Career Counseling, and you might want to go for Pastry Chef instead of Comedian.

**IV- Do's and Don'ts of Mischief**

If the previous section was the best section, this one is the most important. You may think of this as peer pressure, and you would be right. But, if you don't follow these simple "guidelines," nobody will respect you for the wisecracker that you are.

**DO** get your name out there. It doesn't matter how you do it, just make sure everyone knows that you are the one behind all the good stuff.

**DON'T** be a teacher's pet. Whatever you do.

**DO** come up with a specific enemy, and get to know their traits and mannerisms. It helps later on.

**DON'T **be afraid to prank the teachers. If you ask me, they need to come down off their high hippogriffs every once in a while. Of course, nobody _does_ seem to ask me….

**DO** make sure whatever you say/do is funny. You can kill your image with a single Hynemann-esque corny joke.

**DON'T** drop one-liners such as "We'll see who's laughing tomorrow…." to your next victims, however tempting it may be. It completely loses the element of surprise; and anyway, it's not as if someone's writing a novel about you and you have pressure to be as melodramatic as possible.

**DO** believe in yourself and your talents. If you don't think you're funny, nobody else will.  
**DON'T** ever hold a position of authority. Quidditch Captain is okay, but not prefect and definitely not Head Boy or Girl. (This means you, Prongs! Think of all the young mischievous minds you are poisoning….)

**DO** exercise your lack of authority in the most commanding way possible. (i.e.- stealing the best chairs, telling people off for interrupting your plotting, etc.)

**DON'T** sweat detentions. They're inevitable, and if you get used to them, they're not that terrible. Especially not if you hit on the teacher the whole time, regardless of gender.

**V- General Knowledge**

The general knowledge part of this handbook definitely takes the proverbial cake for "most useful." Included are all the secret passageways, rooms, and just plain cool stuff Hogwarts has to offer, which is a surprising lot.

Secret Passageways

There are about four good passageways; there are seven in all, but the teachers know about the other three. Most of them lead to somewhere in Hogsmeade.

1. The One-eyed Witch Passage: Obviously, you already know about this one and how to get in it, because that's where I hid this. In case you didn't know, it leads into the cellar of Honeyduke's. And again we return to the issue of integrity; you could take anything from the crates down there, and nobody would probably notice. I wouldn't advise that, though. The folks there are pretty nice.

2. The Whomping Willow Passage: Bet you thought that was just there as some sort of sick joke, didn't you? You know you did. But no, if you press a large knot in the side of the tree and go down the dark, creepy tunnel, you'll come out in the Shrieking Shack. And it's not haunted, that's just an urban legend.

3. The Mirror Passage: This one's a real thing of beauty. There's a mirror on the third floor, east side, right across from a portrait of Elfrida Clagg. If you place your right hand in the top left corner and say "Pixie pasta purchased in Paris pops pleasurably" three times fast, the mirror goes transparent and there's a passageway leading right into an alley behind the Three Broomsticks.

4. The Portrait Hole Passage: No, not the one into Gryffindor Tower, you dolt. There's more than one portrait hole in the school, you know. The one I'm talking about is on the ground floor and the portrait is of Circe. (In case you don't know what she looks like, she looks creepily like McGonagall, minus the scowl, plus a smirk.) Ask her if she has an awkward sea turtle, and she will tell you to go catch one in the Black Lake. Tell her you are allergic to water. She will let you in, and the passage leads to the Slytherin common room. (A good thing to know….)

Secret (and Not-So-Secret) Rooms

The reason I say "not-so-secret" is because a couple of them everyone knows about. However, they don't know how to actually get in, which makes knowing about them pretty pointless, actually.

1. The Kitchens: This is one of those "not-so-secret" ones; I mean, the food has to come from somewhere, doesn't it? Just go to the ground floor and tickle the pear in the fruit bowl picture. A handle appears, and you guess what happens next. I'll give you a hint: a toaster doesn't drop from nowhere and start doing karate moves on you. If this does happen, you've had one too many Firewhiskeys. Which is slightly concerning, especially if you're a first year.

2. The Room of Requirement: Definitely my favorite. It's a wall one the seventh floor, across from a tapestry of some idiot getting the stuffing beaten out of him by trolls in tutus. (Not the way I'd like to die, how about you?) All you do is walk past it three times, thinking of what you want, and a door appears! It can do anything except food and people, according to What's-His-Face's Law of Whatchamacallit. Ask Moony if that's not clear enough for you.

3. The Nameless Room: We haven't gotten around to naming it yet. But it's bloody awesome. You go to the fifth floor, and look for a white stone in the wall. With your finger, write "Frogs go pop in the Floo network." The stone will become a door, and this room will turn into wherever the person you most want to see is. Historical Note—This came in a lot of handy for Jamesie, when he practically stalked Evans for about a year before she went out with him.

About This Knowledge

Whatever you do, don't use it wisely.

**VI- The Marauder's Map**

Aha! The _coup de grace_! (If you don't speak French, that means it's pretty damn important.) The Marauders' finest legacy, aside from the semi-eternal stench that follows Snivellus around. Priceless, especially since everyone thinks he's just naturally repulsive, not that I'm disagreeing with that, or anything.

But anyway, this is the tool to much of our wrongdoing, and it would definitely come in handy for a newbie to the business.

Before we leave, one of us will plant this map in the "Confiscated and Highly Dangerous" drawer in the caretaker's office. It will look like a nondescript bit of parchment, which is why it will be perfectly safe. If you should, for some reason, find yourself in this office, it's advisable to let off a few Dungbombs for a distraction, and grab the map out of this very intriguing drawer.

Once you have the map in your possession, simply tap it with your wand and say "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." (Ingenious, huh? And most likely true, anyway.) It will yield, in my professional and most humble opinion, the most wicked awesome map of Hogwarts ever made.

It shows all the secret passageways that I have mentioned in the previous section, but that's not all. (How much genius can one person have, you ask? Well, I feel obligated to give Prongs about one third of the credit, and Moony and Wormtail can split a fifth. But other than that, all mine.) Every person in Hogwarts—and Peeves, too—shows up where they are, at any given moment! Now is that not brilliant? (Chorus of adoring fans: Yes! Yes! We love you, Sirius! Music to my ears.)

Historical Note—This also came in handy for the whole stalking Evans thing.

And once you're done with whatever it is you're doing, tap it with your wand and say "Mischief managed!" It'll go blank again.

**VII- A Word from the Marauders**

I figure that, since I said in the introduction that this book is Marauder-approved, I should probably get them to approve it. And they have most generously obliged.

_Mr. Prongs wholeheartedly approves this handbook, and would like to add that he didn't know Mr. Padfoot had a literate side. Also, he only accepted being Head Boy because Evans is Head Girl, and Mr. Padfoot knows that perfectly well. And I did NOT stalk her! _

Mr. Wormtail agrees with Mr. Prongs, and believes that this handbook is a work of pure genius.

**Mr. Padfoot (obviously, since he wrote the damn thing) approves this handbook, but disagrees with Mr. Wormtail because this handbook is so far beyond genius that there isn't even a word to describe its sheer awesomeness. Mr. Prongs, with all due respect (i.e.—none), you lie like a dog. I would know, after all.**

Mr. Moony grudgingly approves this handbook, and wonders why we're referring to ourselves in third person.

Because it's more dignified, dumbass.

_I never thought I'd live to see the day when Wormtail calls Moony a dumbass. _  
**Finally, someone had to! Woot! Go Wormtail! **

Let's keep this mature, gentlemen….

_Oh, shut up, Moony, you dumbass. (That is SO FUN!) _  
Don't we need to end this somehow?

THE END.

**That is so juvenile, Wormtail.**

Your mum is juvenile! 

**Your face is juvenile!**

_Mr. Prongs wishes there was a way for him to express his laughter on parchment (but he's laughing his arse off). _

Mr. Moony thinks Messrs. Padfoot, Prongs, and Wormtail have forgotten the hypothetical first year, who, hypothetically, could be reading this in years to come.

**Fine.**

Fine!

_FINE!_

**Be that way, Moony.**

I will, thanks.

THE END.

Two boys snuck out of the History of Magic classroom, closing the door gingerly behind them.

"C'mon!" the first whispered. "We aren't going to get a better chance than this, George!"

The boy called George cast one more glance at the door, guiltily.

"Won't he notice we're gone, though?"

The other boy rolled his eyes. "We've only been here for one week and I already know that no one notices if you skip Binns' class. Now come on, we've got two floors to go up!"

After saying this he began to sprint down the hall, leaving George in his proverbial dust.

"Oy—Fred! Wait up!" George panted, trying to catch up with his twin. "What're you in such a rush for, anyway?"

"What d'you mean?" Fred had now slowed to a brisk walk, and George jogged the few remaining meters to walk alongside him. "Aren't you excited to see if it's really there? Seriously, this is a secret room of some sort! This could be the start of a wonderful career!"

"Yeah, I'm excited and everything," George began, "but what if Charlie was just messing us around? I don't want to have a ruptured appendix and nothing to show for it."

"Oh, please," Fred snorted. They had now reached a statue of a particularly ugly, stooped, and cycloptic witch, and both began to contemplate it curiously. "Your precious appendix will be just fine…."

He pulled out his wand and tapped the witch's hump, murmuring, "Dissendium."

The hump opened up enough to admit a sizeable person, and the two stared into the darkness, mesmerized.

"It's sort of….empty," Fred started, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. "Shouldn't there be something in there?"

"Reminds me of your brain," George returned eloquently. "It's a secret passageway, duh."

"Really?" Fred's face brightened. He put a foot on the edge of the opening and gestured for George to follow him. "Let's go!"

"Hang on," George said abruptly. Fred looked impatient. "We should light our wands first; you know, in case there's something in there we could trip over."

"You really need to lose that common sense," Fred told his brother sternly. George nodded agreement, but they lit their wands anyway. A long, cavernous tunnel was spread out before them.

"Where d'you reckon it goes?" George asked. "Hogsmeade?"

"Probably, that's the only place around here worth escaping to."

Fred almost climbed in again, but George, once more, held him back.

He had seen the wandlight glance off something in the corner, something that caught his attention instantly. Was it the cracked leather cover? Was it the thick, yellowed parchment pages? Or was it the words on the front, embossed in gold, which read: "MISCHIEF-MAKING FOR DUMMIES"?

"I dunno about you, but this looks like my kind of book," George said, picking it up and brushing it off.

"Agreed. Open it," Fred replied. George opened the book to the first page and they began to read….

Ten minutes later, the twins stood up. George tucked the handbook under his cloak and they exited the passage.

Hogsmeade could wait. They had a date with Filch.


End file.
